3 Types of Couples: Incredible, Adequate, Poor
There are 3 different categories of couples I work with:
Couples who are in incredible match. They have compatible values and goals, they are attracted to each other and experience pretty high levels of chemistry, they are overwhelmingly committed to the relationship.
They have high highs and low lows because their emotions are highly engaged. They come to therapy because their low lows make them want to jump off a bridge. They want to stay together becusee the highs are so good and they want more of that!
“Love” and “Peace” are big concerns for them.
Couples who are an adequate match. They are not particularly excited to be with each other. They lack chemistry but are basically compatible in values. They are able to be productive together because they know and embody values of teamwork and cooperation.
Their highs aren’t as high as the first couple, but they also don’t go as low. Their relationship is less emotional and more pragmatic.
They come to therapy because they have periods that are too bland, even for them. One or both people are wondering if they made the wrong choice because there’s not much romance or sex.
“Fulfilled” and “Satisfied” are big concerns for them.
Couples who are a poor match. They are so far away from compatibility that any chemistry they did have is starting to wear off.
They’re tired and turned off.
These couples are sad when they think of being alone again (but not necessarily sad to lose the person they’re with) and they are upset at the thought of having invested so much time into something that is going to end. They hang on for dear life for depressing reasons.
This is headed towards an end. An end of the relationship or an end of what they wanted the relationship to be… while still staying in it. If they don’t leave each other, they move into what I call: “resentment management.” From there, hopefully this couple eventually forgives themselves and the other for not living up to what they had in mind, accepts their decisions, and learns how to generate more happiness internally than through the relationship.
“Survival” seems to be their biggest concern.
Which couple are you? And if you’re single, how can you make sure you enter into the RIGHT category for you?
I’ve worked with all three types of couples. No matter which category you fall into, the first step is being real with yourself and each other about where you’re at. If you can confront reality, you can do something about it. Waiting too long to deal with the truth only allows problems to grow bigger and resentment to grow deeper. Even the most ‘incredible’ couples experience problems that are difficult to confront together. For those couples, often their first major hurdle is confronting the ideal image they had in mind, and that they have projected outward to others.
All couples deal with issues. Problem-free is unrealistic. I think a better goal is to become the best problem-solvers we can be. Be honest with yourself and each other, brave enough to deal with reality together, and stop the bleeding in the relationship by confronting the hole that’s been created, no matter how big or small.
