My Best Self and My Best Relationship
Self-actualization is the fulfillment of your potential. It’s another way of saying “my best self.” I think my best self was made popular by Oprah. Self-actualization, by Abraham Maslow. (Want to know more about self-actualization, here are two articles - Simply Psychology and Psychology Today)
Relational actualization is the process of developing through relationships with others. (Very little written on this kind of thing, which is wild… and noted.) I’d like to suggest a new term: relationship actualization. Which I would simply define as “my best relationship.”
I don’t think in self, relational, or relationship actualization one is better than the other, but I do think they are different and I do think an element of order matters. I think:
In order for me to have higher relational and relationship actualization, I need higher self-actualization. I believe the extent of development I can get through relationships is contingent on the extent of development I have had within myself.
Self-actualization is a door to relationship actualization.
Here’s what it sounds like as a hypothesis: If I am a better person, I bring a better person to relationships, therefore I create better relationships.
If all this is true, this is what it means:
I should focus on self-development. I need to go beyond just knowing it’s important. I need a plan.
If I don’t take intentional action, I am responsible for the (inevitable) disappointing outcome. My relationships won’t be as good as they would have been, had I become a better person.
If I never have a relationship, I will still really admire and love myself more than if I had been lazy with myself.
And chances are, you will have a satisfying, healthy relationship because in the pursuit of becoming your better self (self-actualization) you will also have become the most attractive type of person to be with. Someone who has high levels of self-esteem, energy, and responsibility, that is basically everybody’s type. It won’t take much for people to be attracted to you. You practically glow with purpose and confidence compared to the general aimless population (no shade, just facts).
The takeaway: The quality of our relationships is a reflection of the quality of the person we bring into them. Be the best person and the best relationship becomes available to you.
Something that stands out to me about my relationship with Austin is that when he first asked me out, I felt at my best. Not because of him, but before him. We probably wouldn’t be where we are now - engaged! - if I hadn’t started at such a confident place after a lot of work — on deep insecurities— and confronting denial — and getting real with myself about what I needed to do to be better to get what I wanted.
So, what’s your plan?
