Read This if Your Relationship is In Trouble
When relationships start to crumble, it isn’t random — it’s a buildup. Most couples end up stuck because they either avoid the problem for too long or keep fighting the same fight without ever moving it forward. The stress gets too high and things breakdown. How does it get to this point and what should you do about it?
The Breakdown
Deferring — waiting too long to solve problems
Continuous Confrontation— dealing with the problem on repeat but it doesn’t move the needle far enough
Deferring leads to silence. When the problem gets avoided for too long, a couple goes cold. At best, they friend zone each other. At worst, they hardly speak.
Continuous Confrontation leads to burnout. When the problem is confronted incessantly, a couple gets too hot. At best, they may see each other as passionate about the relationship, while lacking more practical staying-power. At worst, they just keep finding more reasons to believe they’re not meant to be together.
Deference happens because:
- Minimizing.
Both are not in agreement that it’s really a problem, or it’s that big of a deal.
-Fear and fatigue.
Fear around confronting the problem, sometimes because attempts have been made before that have been unsuccessful, so one or both stop trying.
-Conflict avoidance.
Both are conflict-avoidant from the beginning, so are both willing to sweep things under the rug.
Continuous Confrontation happens because:
- Energy without skill.
One or both have enough energy and willpower to solve the problem but lack the skillset and insight into how to actually do it.
- Imbalanced engagement.
One has the energy and willpower but the other doesn’t, and the one who doesn’t turns into a roadblock preventing the couple from moving forward.
- Bad faith.
Conflict becomes about control rather than understanding. Communication turns into a war to win who’s right and who’s wrong rather than a team effort to win.
What should you do?
First, don’t use this to judge your partner.
Here’s what tends to happen when people get this kind of information, especially if they’re presently frustrated —
A person will take this blog and say, “See? I’m trying and you’re not. How can we solve the problem if you keep deferring (or you keep pushing me)? There’s a healthy way to do this and what you’re doing is not it!”
Trust me, people have all kinds of reasons for why they’re not in the “healthy resolution” zone. You are probably one of those reasons. Starting off in a self-righteous stance will likely only further put them on the defensive and they will feel even more misunderstood.
Next, understand this is a blog and not a strategy for your personal relationship.
Although the goal is for everyone to get to the healthy resolution zone, the way you get there can differ from couple to couple. You got in the other zones because of particular things that happened in your relationship and you both have particular blocks that keep the communication channel from opening and staying open. It’s simply not as easy as saying: “stop deferring” or “stop pushing.” The reasons why either person pushes or defers needs to be addressed.
For now, be honest about where you’re at and ask yourself what puts you in that zone.
Write it down. Yes, pen to paper.
Then, book a consultation with me (use the interest form at the end) so I can help you work through it, increase mutual understanding, and implement solutions that stick.
Arbitrary advice like: “ask for a timeout if your spouse keeps pursuing and you need a break” might work for the moment, but it doesn’t solve the problem of why your partner is so anxious about you and struggles to trust the relationship can work.
Arbitrary advice like “when your spouse wants to talk, take them seriously and schedule the time” might work for the moment, but it doesn’t solve the issue of why you are so apprehensive about talking to them in the first place.
Trying to apply arbitrary advice to your personal life just doesn’t work long-term and that’s why issues keep coming up. I know it’s nice to think you could just search #conflictresolution and get a strategy that works for you, but you’re really just getting concepts that could very well be helpful but it’s not personal.
If the relationship is that important to you, don’t just leave it up to a blog or podcast episode to get you through it. Let’s talk and really solve the problem. Remember, the longer you wait, the harder it is to get it back on track. Read about Preventative Maintenance here.
Work with me
Couples, use this form to work together: https://mkd8uhsug6i.typeform.com/to/DcaoHcan
Individuals, use this one: https://mkd8uhsug6i.typeform.com/to/jqyMCsr3
I created a new chart (below) to help simply this concept. I’ll add it to my model library and will do an episode on it soon. Subscribe to YouTube so you don’t miss it and share this chart with someone who could use it!
Conflict Resolution Chart
