3 Common Conflict Styles in Relationships

Conflict is unavoidable in relationships, but how we handle it makes all the difference. We’d like for love, time, or shared milestones like marriage and kids to naturally bring us together to reduce tension. But the truth is: without intentional effort, unhealthy conflict styles do not go away. They stay the same, and sometimes, they get worse.

Let’s look at three common conflict styles—avoidant, anxious, and aggressive—and why they need your immediate attention if present in your relationship.

Avoidant
Avoidant partners often disappear during conflict—physically or emotionally. At first, this may look like taking space to cool down, which can be healthy. But when disappearing becomes avoidance, it doesn’t solve the problem; it escalates it. Silence, stonewalling, or sweeping issues under the rug creates resentment and communicates disconnection. Disappearing is not neutral—it actively contributes to the problem.

Anxious
The anxious conflict style looks very different. Instead of withdrawing, the anxious partner ramps up. They get “fired up” and struggle to let go, convinced that persistence will lead to resolution. But this relentless pursuit often overwhelms the other person and suffocates the process. Conflict needs room to breathe, and hyperfixating on the solution can make things worse, not better.

Aggressive
Aggression in conflict can come in verbal or physical forms. Hostility, volatility, and destructive communication escalate tension quickly and can create fear in the relationship. Aggression doesn’t just damage the issue at hand—it damages trust, intimacy, and safety. This is the most visibly toxic of the three conflict styles, but it operates on the same principle as the others: escalation.

Taking Ownership
Whether avoidant, anxious, or aggressive, these behaviors are unhelpful patterns. The temptation is to justify them by pointing to the other person’s flaws—the classic “chicken or egg” argument. But progress begins when you stop justifying and start owning your role in the conflict.

Change doesn’t happen automatically. Getting married won’t fix it. Having kids won’t fix it. Age won’t fix it. Without intentional effort, these patterns remain and repeat. But with awareness, accountability, and new skills, they can be transformed into healthier ways of relating.

Conflict doesn’t have to be destructive. When handled with responsibility, it can actually strengthen trust and intimacy. The work starts with each of us taking responsibility for the way we show up.

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For the full episode where I discuss Preventative Maintenance in Relationships (3 Signals You Need Help) - Watch on YouTube